Grieve

When in grief, grieve with the grieving. -VC

Already grieving is so hard, it’s easier to do it together.

The burial was at 10am this morning, later today after Mahgrib there will be a talil for her at the campus surau, Yasin prayers will be said and sholat ghaib will be done.

All seem normal the night before, she text-ed one of her closest friends about settling her visa. The next morning she was hospitalize, she was suppose to get her dialysis but her body couldn’t take it later that day.

Almost dying changes nothing.
Dying changes everything. - House MD

Arriving at the exam hall today everything seem the usual. After that, the hall turned sombre and solemn, her housemates fell apart, one after the other wept silent tears.
Heart-wrenching…
In situations like this handing a kleenex, exchanging condolences and saying prayers are the only all that can be done, but it feels like more needs to be done… but is there anything else?

When words are not enough you give hugs, when hugs are not enough, you give?

The mourning shall pass…

(… for she is in a better place)

 

p/s: this is good read on passing on on ‘How to cope with death’, ::

Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilahi Raaji’oon

 

 

Passing of a Friend

Four years…
During Pre-University Padjadjaran until now, today 5 somthing pm

It will be mean if i said i foresee it,
It will be insensitive for me to break hopes,
At the end, i really hope that your passing was an easy one without pain that you have to endure.

Do you know it is hard to for the news to sink in, when it did, it is just overwhelming. How do the dear ones pick up and continue living, when death just came knocking on the next door. All of sudden, the time around you seem to seize though the clock continues ticking, the flood of memories that you have comes in gradually. Trying to sit down and collect yourself and study is hard, the mind keeps floating elsewhere back when life was still breathe into you.

Chronologically passage of time:
Pre-U, the fun trips, the gatherings, the struggles just to get into medic school, the disappointments of not getting into UnPad, the plan-B of sitting for Brawijaya, the entrance exam and the Green Ticket.

The adaptation, staying under a roof with the same Ibu Asuh, the ragging session, learning to sing the PKPMI songs and the miscellaneous Raya songs, enduring the seniors crazy tantrums, bitching about them later,adaptation field trip, the many crazy performances for seniors and PKPMI, my eye patch and your eye infection, learning to kawat with you, Paparons (our first) with you, hadi and faizah; walking insanely from Soehart to practically everywhere!; getting through the rough times during adaptation and OSPEK, the mutual friend we made in matos, the photostickers that is still in my purse, the small talk we had that stays in my head.

The last time i met you was back in July, when we were in UNISMA Hospital visiting the sick ones that had dengue. The last thing you offered us was the Amanda Brownies that you bought. Dear god, that was the last memory i had of her.

You’re quiet, never boisterous but full of life when getting to know you.

It’s so sad that at such a young age you have to go, I wish we knew earlier, i wish you had done a check up 4 years ago.
Anemia can be a hereditary in the family, i hope people won’t take the matter lightly and go for a check up, just to make sure in the long run their health is tip-top. So that it won’t be too sudden to find out 4 years later that you have end stage bilateral kidney damage, and the only option you left with is dialysis or kidney transplant.

Be an organ donor, it saves life.

Last but not least, you still had so much of hope and relentless passion in continuing your studies in Semester 7 with us, even though you knew the prognosis. You were planning to return. And I bet you still remember that both you, me and Yam are suppose to do our hospital attachment

You were planning on returning…

I will miss you Laila Mastura.

:: May Peace be with You and Allah (swt) at you side always ::

u think too much

unlike every other normal parents child who will jump with joy and leap in air when their parents and family decides to come visit them… i cringe with invisible frown lines forming on my forehead.

My parents have visited me before, they have…

i think what worries me if whether they will have a good time here, i’ve got to have plans for them…
but mostly i hope the short trip that they want to make here will be worth it for them… if not i’ll be suffering two types of pain!

To deny them to come down here is not right… because besides coming down to see me, they want to see the place i’ve blend in for these years. Further more, i’m not coming back to celebrate CNY  (p/s: i will be back still to do my VISA), which gives them every more reason to want to come down. Dad’s got a friend who he may want to look up for when he is here, since i didn’t have time to search out this person.
I should stop thinking of minute details of how the hols should be like.

I’ve chosen the dates.

The things i do that i see fit

the things i do i see fit
keeps me going

the things i do i see fit
keeps me together

the things i do i see fit
decisions made are base on the level of understanding i have gained

the things i do i see fit
in thoughts or small actions may be unseen to the unobservant

the things i do i see fit
may seem unfitting to thou but it is to me

the things i do i see fit
i did it our of much thoughts and love

the things i do i see fit
if i never do all those, i be a lost somebody out there

the things we do we see fit
is for the people with care
sometimes may seem unfitting
or could be done better
but nevertheless it is something saying more
yet unspoken

Some people out there live for themselves, the many struggles they went through to survive the dog it dog world out there. Yet there are some of us who live for others, or our life seem more meaningful when we do what we see fit for others. The act of love comes through the action, the deeds done. However, it can be unfitting that arguments and misunderstanding happens. If you can hear the unspoken words, you probably know better. But if both understands each other it is better.

I hate to say this but….

i’m in a such off beat mood that maybe in a hypomaniac stage.

3 weeks more but i’m feeling the strain! Bloody hell

mooma and dooda are pestering to come back  =.+  yes yes… will do so after thesis finish i think… i’m kinda fed up here too!

i hate tomorrow- i want to sloth in til the afternoon.

i need a dose of amphetamine! QUICK!!

put aside that…. I must tell loud and clear how much i detest those Facebook causes groups!! I find it totally worthless! By joining, i know people are telling loud and clear what they stand for. But Common bozos, where’s the action?! By joining and doing something about it is proactive! Sitting there and clicking that lazy ass finger and saying “i support” is such a PoppyCock!!!

Don’t get me started on this farking emails that says, by forwarding this email and sending to so-so target i will receive donation from some organization for this trauma blah blah… okie i get it, i feel the pain u got in trauma, but how in anyway i know there is money going to give to you? How do they track it?!!! It’s not i’m cold hearted, it’s just that i don’t have a heart to give to this kind of nonsense.

For the things i cannot see it myself or lay my hands on… forget it! It’s probably a scham and you’re wasting my time. It may seem unkind and uncompassionate… just show me what you got and i lay the goods out!

Depressed agitation indeed.