how depress is depress?

Posted on January 3, 2007


28/12 /06

I never been more depressed in my life, I think. I feel so down, I need to talk to a shrink? I feel so down… I feel alone somehow, where was the once invisible me?

I think I should sleep off… but I need to study. I’m so fed up of my sensitive feeble emotions. It’s been two years now, I think I’m really homesick. I think it’s more like me missing what my life use to be back home. How can such short distance make me feel so sad, what more if I were to go further abroad.

I really want to cry some more. I feel really rejected, I’m deprive of attention from my family now. Just stay somewhere and never come out for the while.

I need time to think properly what I want

thinking again of what i have written before, now i’m much calmer in thoughts and emotions. how depress is depress? how would one know that is their most depress moments in life, when there can be more in the future?

yet again, i realise i was more invisible in my emotions before now; little things never ever did get to me unless it was about examinations, which i will cry so badly when things turn out as different as i thought it would. i think the change started last year when one of my favourite uncles passed away, my lower-secondary tutor, the uncle who took me for my first motorcycle ride, the only uncle who comes and always buy things for us, the quiet intellectual…. he is the many qualities that one would love to have for an uncle =)

why i cried again for the same reason… I’ve missed celebrating one of the most happy festives of the year last year- Chinese New Year. nevertheless i celebrated with my other malaysian friends, i was one of the 3 chinese in my group though. well nothing is the same when you celebrate with your family… i use to ask for so many things on CNY cause usually my birthday falls after the festival. Usually my dad give me one present and that is enough at the end of the day, cause i got the attention i wanted. perhaps i’m so nostalgic at the things once were back when i was younger… i’m also afraid to not know what CNY is anymore, alot of changes has happened to the way my family celebrates, most of it are not for the worse, but the touch of celebrating is missing.

i cried because of lots of subconscious factors that i never acknowledge until recently. i realise: i’m running short of time to spend with my family, i feel left out for not being with them 24/7 sometimes, i feel useless and unwanted when i go back for hols, i feel sad when they usually make up for not spending time with me on my hols at the last few days that i have(which usually by that time i feel so neglected that i want to go out with my friends so badly), my selfish desires leave me thinking what i’m putting my parents through and at the same time it left me wondering why did my parents chose that? don’t they want me around?

i have one month worth of sem break after the exams, but unfortunately my hols end when CNY starts, i planned to skip a few days of classes and stick around longer to celebrate a bit. my parents doesn’t share the same view as i do. the fact i’m the ONLY chinese in my batch stops me from playing truant for the hols. My mom said my presence not being in class can be well known by the lecturers, what she doesn’t know is, i’ve been skipping classes myself. Self study is better than some lecturers… some.

so there i was weeping my eyes swollen for the 2nd time… i’m upset with their decision still. i don’t know what i’ll do to react when i see them. i most likely will cry again…

Posted in: Unsaid