in the state of denial

Posted on April 29, 2010


i may not be able to convey the cluttered thoughts in me as clear as the blue skies because everything is bundled up like a yarn ball. I don’t have the energy to bring up the matter that is bothering for there’s no quick solution to this, i’ve to wait. There’s two things i’m bad at doing 1) being patient 2) with holding anger

There are moments in the day or night i feel fine then the tense feeling creeps upon me and i’m all stiffen. I prefer to be at one state now.. to feel anything but normal or feel stiffen at all.

The inner thoughts keep telling me that ” this is not stress, this is not stress, this is not stress”…. it is procrastination just to avoid something that i do not want to confront. So of course… it is STRESS. I’m not admitting out loud. I’m would like to think or know i can pick myself up at those time i felt it is one of the hardest i’ve to go through.

It feels like: i’m a big heavy stone that is place on the bank of the river. Where bit by bit the current of river flow pushes me little by little along the river path.I’m the rock that does not feel like budging but under circumstances against my will i’ve to budge.

i wish to be anhedonia for now… a jab of anesthesia would be good.

I used to be a little ashamed of all this low thoughts that i hid it all away, come to think of it as for now, it is good when there are days i feel thoughts discombobulated that there is a place where i can just all the negativeness away. I don’t feel like sharing down thoughts with other ppl… or i try not to.

Why? Their life may not be pretty itself, why help paint it darker?
yes unhealthy in a way. But i prefer it like that.

i’m really in a zombefied motion and zone.